Tuesday, October 6, 2009

That's Incredible!


I have hesitated to write the race report for the Everest Challenge on September 26th at Animal Kingdom, because the final scene has me a great big wet soggy dripping mess crossing the finish line of the race. This is not an attractive picture.

Oh, yeah, and we were dressed as The Incredibles.

We did battle with Mother Nature and the Walt Disney Corporation that night (I am not really going to knock the Walt Disney Corporation in this post, because I am an acknowledged Disneyphile, and Walt Disney World is the Happiest Frigging Place on Earth (HFPOE), which I will keep telling myself, even after this experience).

The Incredibles, as you may remember from the Pixar film released in 2004, were a family of superheroes forced to disguise their superpowers to appease a public hostile to superheroes. But, of course, bad guys force them back into action, and an entire family of superheroes- Mr. Incredible, Elastigirl, Violet, Dash, and baby Jack-Jack -- prevail against the evil Syndrome.

I do not remember whose freaking idea it was to race the Everest Challenge dressed as The Incredibles. I reluctantly confess that it was probably my idea. I did, after all, race the Florida ½ Ironman, also at the HFPOE, in a rhinestone tiara.

Racing The Everest Challenge was most certainly my idea. An “Adventure Race Lite” at Animal Kingdom: a 5k run, followed by a little obstacle course (ha) followed by a scavenger hunt within the park.

I convinced Allen that this was going to be WAY more fun than all of the other triathlons--that we probably should have been doing that weekend—put together.

I was determined to spend my birthday weekend in the HFPOE, being feted by Mickey Mouse- and also getting in free to EPCOT, where I could eat escargot and drink too much at the Food and Wine Festival. I wanted to partake of a nice Spanish cava, rather than a gallon of green Gatorade (the only REAL Gatorade, if you ask me).

I was so determined to achieve this goal that I downplayed the fact that riding the Expedition Everest roller coaster and having to climb up a rope ladder- my two least favorite activities- may be involved in this race.

Violet and Dash decided to sit this one out. Mr. and Mrs. Incredible, however, prepared themselves for the challenge: we didn’t train, fine, but we worked really hard on our costumes. “No capes,” of course (as per Edna- see the movie), but some red shirts with a big “I” on the front, and black masks from the Halloween department at the WalMart. I produced some black opera gloves that I was saving for Prom this year- Allen wore his bike gloves. “Pink” and “Choco” Incredible- a nod to our secret triathlon identities.

The weather was a go: only a few clouds off to the west. We were a go: costumes in place. We headed off to the parking lot at Animal Kingdom.

We jumped out of the truck in our superhero costumes.

We were surrounded by teams of two in running shorts and singlets, lithe young competitors in matching Nike outfits with coordinating running shoes.

“I bet you there’s gonna be a ton of people dressed up for the race,” I had assured Allen when we registered for the race. “It’s Disney, for Heaven’s sake.”

There were age-groupers warming up, running up and down the parking lot (this is typical of age-groupers—every race, even a race at Disney, has the potential for age-group glory—and hardware).

What there weren’t were any fellow Superheroes, Mickey Mouses, or Tinkerbells. Not a single rhinestone tiara in sight.

What was going on? Crap, even up here in the backwoods of Georgia, we have a local runner who races in a Mexican wrestling mask and cape. I don’t think he has a real name—the race results only list him as “The Masked Avenger.”

(Libby/Violet, reporting from the start line a couple of hours later, saw some runners in kilts, and a pair in pink fuzzy wigs—she was trying to convince herself that there were other dorks racing, besides her parents.)

Now, I am not one for notoriety: a blog read by two members of my immediate family causes me some measure of self-consciousness. And, here I was, Elastigirl. (The kids attempted to draw and quarter me, by the way, to see if I would stretch. No dice.). And we were attracting more than a little attention. I began to rethink this whole thing.

But I considered the situation: I had on a mask. No one knew who I was. Even though everyone was looking and pointing and cheering and taking photographs, I was anonymous! I could be an Incredible! I was an Incredible, by gosh!

So I joined Mr. Incredible, the big ham, waving to the crowd and posing for photos. And, inevitably, we were interviewed by the local radio station:

“And I see we have The Incredibles racing today.”

(We acknowledge our fans.)

“So: what have you done Incredible? Have you swam The English Channel? Climbed Mount Everest?”

“We’ve done six Ironman triathlons between us.”

“You guys are nutz!”

Mr. Incredible announced that tomorrow was my birthday.

“And you’re making her wear that?” the announcer shot back.

The Incredibles smooched as the race began, after which the announcer remarked that she had suddenly developed seven cavities. And off we went.

It was Incredible that we even finished the race. About 6 minutes into the race, we were locked in an epic battle with Mother Nature, who, I am pretty sure, emptied the contents of a nearby water tower onto our heads. We slogged through calf-deep water and on to the obstacle course, where Mrs. Incredible confronted her arch-enemy, Acrophobia, on the top of the rope ladder. Mr. Incredible came to her rescue, and we forged on.

Amazingly, our brains were still functioning, and we headed off on our scavenger hunt. I was sucking the water out of my gloves in order to get a grip on the pen, but we prevailed, once again, against the menacing Brain Fog that was threatening to overtake us.

We raced to the finish line, expecting a superhero’s welcome: instead, we found a few soaked volunteers, some bananas, and the news that the race had basically been cancelled due to the weather.

(Of course, this also meant…..Everest was closed! No roller coaster! Woo Hoo!)

And so it went. The Incredibles returned back to obscurity, not revealing their true identities to the general public. Our epic struggle against evil retreated into memory.

But, when the world of Multisport is in peril, we will suit up again and once again prepare to do battle: against our old foe, Mother Nature, against The Obnoxious Age Grouper, or the Overzealous USAT Official.

Or maybe I’ll just slap on a pair of Mickey ears and take my chances.