Denizens of Disney

A Helpful Field Guide to the Inhabitants of the Magic Kingdom

Dedicated to Libby, and to the poor souls standing in line for The Jungle Cruise on a 90 degree day in June

(Author’s Note:  the study of Magic Kingdom denizens has been a long and arduous process, encompassing hundreds of woman-hours, and thousands of dollars worth of tickets and Mickey Mouse ice cream bars.  I present this guide to help you, the reader, identify and more fully appreciate these creatures.  Please be advised that they are wild, and in their natural habitats.  Please exercise caution when dealing with them, both for your safety, and for theirs.) 

The Newlyweds.  Identified by their unique Mickey Mouse ears: the female’s is white, with a veil; the male’s is black, with a top hat.  Also wear new, shiny wedding bands and glazed looks.  If you’re not careful, you will knock them over; they don’t pay attention to their surroundings, only to each other (and have only rarely seen the light of day on this honeymoon).

The Foreign Tour Groups.  These seem to be a rarer species these days, for unknown reasons.  Beautiful creatures in matching orange t-shirts, led by a frustrated woman holding a flag and yelling to try to get their attention.  Usually harmless, but can occasionally clog major intersections.

The Stroller Commandos.  These creatures use a stroller as a weapon to advance themselves through the crowd, much like a battering ram.  They have apparently forgotten that they have a kid in there.

The People Who Rush the Gate of the Attraction and Nearly Cause a Stampede, Even Though the Show Repeats Every Eight Minutes.  Self-explanatory.

The Button People.  It’s their birthday, their anniversary, their family reunion, their first visit.  They are given a button by the cast members to advertise the reason for their celebration. You are obligated to offer them congratulations.

The Self-Appointed Entertainers. Small sub-population of teens and young adults, often drunk, who have decided that the park would be even more fun if they provided additional “entertainment.”  They scream like banshees in the Haunted Mansion, and love to enact dramatic sequences with the costumed characters that inhabit the park.  They find their actions hilarious; everyone else finds them annoying. ((hi mommy, I know your describing me here so…thank you for remembering :]))

The Photographers.  Will stop in the dead center of Main Street, causing a traffic jam behind them, so they can get the perfect shot of Cinderella’s Castle, or, more often, of their loved on in front of the Cinderella’s Castle.  Become extremely annoyed if you accidentally get in their shot.

The New Parents.  Will wait in the afternoon sun for 90 minutes so they can bring their child on Dumbo the Flying Elephant- a ride that takes approximately three minutes.

The First Timers:  Appear lost- because they are.  They have yet to figure out that the Magic Kingdom is arranged in a circle.

The Thrill Seekers.  Will spend the entire day running from Space Mountain to Thunder Mountain to Splash Mountain.  Love to tell everyone: 1. how many times they rode the ride 2. how much they screamed 3. how sick their friends got and 4. how SOAKED they got on Splash Mountain (OMG!).

The Parents Who Should Be Tied Up and Made To Ride “It’s A Small World” 100 Times in a Row.  It’s 10:30 p.m.  Their four-year-old is hungry/cold/exhausted and sobbing in the stroller.  The parents, however, refuse to leave the park until closing time.

The Kid That You Wish You Had:  Parking your car in the Dopey lot is exciting.  Riding the tram from the parking lot is exciting.  Looping through the endless attraction lines is exciting. You don't have to spend money on them to make them happy.

The Disneyphiles.  Recognized by their Goofy hats, Mickey Mouse t -shirts, Tinker Bell handbags, and lanyard full of trading pins. Excellent source of Disney minutiae, like where the closest Hidden Mickey is, or where the best ladies room in the park is (Main Street, behind the Crystal Palace, near the Baby Care Center).

The Gazillionaires.  Stay in the suites at the Contemporary- for two straight weeks.  Buy the $500 Mickey sculptures in the Main Street Emporium as souvenirs for their hired help.  Usually have a nanny in tow.

The Sitters:  Always male.  Will find a convenient bench in the shade and wait for the rest of the family to finish watching the show/riding The Mad Tea Party/finish yet another trip into a gift shop.   Also can be spotted on the People Mover in Tomorrowland going round and round and round….

The Strategists.  Plan the trip like a military campaign, with a set itinerary, Fast Passes, designated meeting points- and actual restaurant reservations.  Refuse to be deterred from “The Plan”.

The Person Who Only Wants to Ride the Haunted Mansion, and is Content to Walk Around and Eat Mickey Mouse Ice Cream Bars the Rest of the Day:  That’s me. 

About the author:  Dr. Smith has been visiting the Magic Kingdom regularly since 1975.  She still remembers the names of all of the “E” ticket rides- and actually knows what an “E” ticket was.  She is considered an expert (in her own mind) in Magic Kingdom sociology.